WalMart & Wet Noodles
by Sonia Mari
Summary: Emmett needs a last minute gift for Rosalie, he's been banned from the malls - What's a guy to do? Bella takes him to Wal-Mart! Emmett like antics ensue! One shot. Can you guess who's working as the greeter? R


**A/N:** OK So I was bored off my yass and wanted to write, but I'm undecided in something that has me stuck on my other story so I can't work on it at the moment. I have no idea what possessed me to do this - unless it had something to do with drinking Sparks... Anyway this is what I came up with: Emmett and Bella go to Wal-Mart. Hey... why not?

**I of course own no part of Twilight or any of Stephenie Meyer's wonderful characters...**

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"Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?"  
**Paris Hilton**

**Wal-Mart & Wet Noodles**

Bella and Edward were all wrapped up in each other on the couch pretending to watch TV when I came down the stairs. "All right lovebirds that's enough," I teased them. I heard them both groan in protest, but since I knew they weren't actually going to do anything anyway I didn't really feel bad for interrupting them. How they could spend so much time teasing each other and then never go for the big pay out was totally beyond me.

"Come on Bells," I called in to her. "You promised you'd take me to Target remember?" I asked. Rosie and I'd had, a pretty big argument and I wanted to get her something to make up for being such a schmuck. Usually my natural charm and some good ole fashioned angry sex was all it took to smooth things over, but she'd been REALLY pissed off when she left. Rosie was without a doubt the pissed off bitch they were thinking about when they came up with the saying _'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'_

I was trying to keep our trip as secret as I could, Rosie wouldn't be happy at all to know that I was running around at the last minute trying to find her something; but I had been banned from the mall and I didn't plan out the argument in advance or anything so I couldn't order her something online like I usually did when I wanted to get her a gift.

"Emmett," Alice screamed from upstairs, "you can't go to Target. Remember the last time you went? When you got into trouble for defacing their sign?" she reminded me. Oh yeah! I did remember that, we'd gone to Target to pick up some kitchen supplies when Edward first started bringing Bella around, Esme had wanted to learn to cook for her. I noticed the great big bull's-eye on the front of the building and I couldn't resist… While Esme and Carlisle had been in the kitchen department I went to sporting goods and bought a paintball gun and some pellets. I stood out in the parking lot getting in some target practice – get it at Target getting in some target practice? Hey! I thought it was funny… Anyway, it had been a lot of fun, but then some paint-spattered customers started complaining and had Carlisle not promised them that I would never come back again I probably would have ended up in jail.

"Shit…" I muttered, "Where the hell can I go then?"

"Guess that only leaves you with Wal-Mart," Alice called down from upstairs.

"Wal-Mart? Oh yeah they have that little smiley face guy bouncing around and making shit cheaper all the time right?" I asked.

Alice and Jasper were coming down the stairs on their way out to hunt; and they both looked at me strangely when I asked. Neither of them bothered answering me. They asked Edward if he was ready to go and after he kissed Bells goodbye they were all gone.

"You've seen the little smiley face guy haven't ya?" I asked Bella.

"Yes Em," she giggled grabbing her keys, "I've seen the little smiley face guy on the Wal-Mart commercials." She shook her head at me and took my hand pulling me out toward her ancient pickup truck. We both climbed in, she started the deafeningly loud engine and we were off.

We drove in silence for several minutes. Well, there's really no such thing as silence with Bella's truck running, but it was as close to silence as it gets…

"So," she asked me, "do you have any idea what you're going to get for Rose?"

"Not a frickin' clue," I admitted. "You wouldn't by chance have any suggestions would you?" I asked her hopefully.

She laughed out loud as she navigated the truck into a parking space. "Em sweetie, I'm probably the LAST person you should ask for help when it has to do with Rosalie," she said. "My head on a platter would probably make her happier than anything you'll find here," she teased as she slid out of the truck.

I ruffled her hair, "Pssh, Rosie loves you Bells," I assured her as we walked toward the store, "she's just more about the tough love than the huggy kissy sisterly stuff." She rolled her eyes at me, obviously not swayed by my words.

I glanced around and reached down and swept her off her feet throwing her over my shoulder and jogging at a human pace to the front door. "Emmett Cullen you behemoth!" she screamed, kicking her little feet and pounding on my back with her tiny fists. "Put. Me. Down." She commanded, and when that didn't work she tried, "Emmett Cullen if you don't put me down right now I swear…"

I laughed as I carried her through the automatic doors. I patted her backside, "Now now Bells, it's not polite to swear." She growled and I had to set her down then for fear of dropping her as I laughed. For some reason that almost menacing noise coming out of our sweet lil Bella just struck me as incredibly funny.

Mike Newton was working as the greeter; apparently he wasn't making enough money selling hiking boots for mommy and daddy. He watched the commotion between Bella and I with a big dumb grin on his face as he said, "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" I wondered if he'd picked up the second job as a way to support his drug habit, I mean he said welcome to Wal-mart with the same enthusiasm that you'd use to say something like 'welcome to the pleasure palace', or 'welcome to Disney world'. Maybe the smiley face guy really did make people super happy. I got a little more excited at that thought and looked around real quick to see if I could see him.

Bella was really bright red, and I think a little bit aggravated at me over creating a spectacle out of her. I gave her my 'Award-winning Cullen Charm-filled grin' and she gave me a half smile back and I knew she wasn't really mad. I grabbed her hand and pulled her onward. "Come on Bells lets see what we can find for Rosie."

We walked around the perimeter of the store and I didn't see any sign of the little smiley face guy, except on some signs. Bella wanted to get some shampoo and stuff while we were there so we'd split up temporarily. I wandered into the Electronics department and grabbed Rosie a new iPod and a couple CDs I knew she didn't have and would like. I also picked up Call of Duty 5 just in case she was still really pissed when she got home and I needed something to do. I paid for my purchases before leaving the department and shoved the bag into the pocket of my bomber jacket.

Feeling pretty proud of myself, I went off in search of the health & beauty department to find Bella; and while looking for it I found myself in the toy department. There was SO much cool stuff! They had action figures and radio controlled cars and board games and bicycles and… Oh. My. God. LEGOs! I. Love. LEGOs! They are the absolute coolest toys ever designed (outside of video game consoles of course.)

"There you are!" I heard Bella yell as she spotted me drooling over the 250 piece LEGO kits. "Um Emmett sweetie," Bella said as she came to stand beside me, "I um… I really don't think Rose is into LEGOs."

"I got Rosie covered," I said gently patting my coat pocket. "Have you ever played with LEGOs Bella?" I asked her curiously.

She looked up at me like I had grown an extra head. "Me? LEGOs? Um… I uh, I don't know Em, maybe when I was little I guess."

"When you were little? What do you think your big now?" I asked and tousling her hair again and watching her blush. "Nah but when you're little you can't even reach high enough to build anything REALLY cool. That does it!" I decided, and started walking back to the front of the store.

"Um, are we done?" Bella asked.

"Almost, I need a cart first though," I told her. We walked all the way to the front of the store and I grabbed a shopping cart. I smiled at Bella and then lunged for her plucking her off her feet and plopping her into the cart. She made a move to get out but I started moving just fast enough to keep her in.

"Damn it Emmett let me out of this buggy! I swear I can't take you anywhere," she complained.

I had to laugh. "Alice and Esme both say the same thing," I told her when she looked at me questioningly. We went straight back to the toy department and I helped Bella out of the cart and then started filling it with LEGOs. She stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face as I continued filling the cart with LEGOs until there were none left on the shelf.

I started shoving the cart o' building blocks toward the checkout and quickly realized Bella was still standing where the LEGOs had been staring blankly at me. "Yoo-hoo!" I called and waved at her, she blinked and shook her head like she did sometimes when she was lost in her own thoughts.

"Um Em, I uh… I guess it doesn't really matter, but um… What do you need so many of them for?"

"Silly Bella," I called over my shoulder as I started moving toward the front again, "ya gotta have a lot to build something cool."

She rolled her eyes at me, and at just that moment I saw these big long foam lookin' tubes. The big display box said 'Fun Noodles'. I had an incredible urge to grab one and whack Bella over the head with it; and so I did just that.

"Emmett," she chastised me, "please behave yourself!" A couple of people had laughed when I bonked her on the head and so of course she was blushing all pink and red again.

I walked over to the display box and picked it up and put the whole thing in the cart. I had a feeling one just couldn't have too many 'Fun Noodles'.

Bella rolled her eyes again and sighed, "Can we go now?"

I gently whacked her on the head again and then nodded. We got to the checkout and Bella went ahead of me paying for her shampoo and whatever the other bottles of stuff were that she'd picked up. The cashier looked at me a little strangely as she rang up all my LEGOs and the case of Fun Noodles, but I didn't care. When I asked her if today was Mr. Smiley's day off her puzzled expression was almost as funny as some of Bella's, she never did answer me. I slid my credit card and we headed for the exit.

We saw Mike Newton who was still sporting that big dumb grin as he practically shouted to us, "Thanks for shopping at Wal-Mart! Have a great day!" I shook my head and laughed at him as we started to walk out. Another of my evil urges suddenly struck me; I grabbed two Fun Noodles from the cart and started spinning them around in front of me and at my sides ninja-style. His baby blues almost popped outta his head. I took a step toward him and he took a step back, panic overtaking his expression. He glanced around nervously but the rain outside had caused a lull in the people coming inside. There was no one there but Bella and she was walking her sweet little self right on past him rolling her eyes. I whacked him once with each Noodle before following her outside; it was pouring so we ran across the parking lot.

We got to Bella's truck and had to put the stuff in the back. I unloaded the cart and shoved it into one of those cart corral thingies. As I walked past the back of the truck to get into the passenger seat I grabbed one of the Fun Noodles back out and brought it into the truck cab with me.

I'll admit I was disappointed that I didn't get to see Mr. Smiley face guy; but I was pretty sure Rosie would like her gift and I was thrilled with the rest of my purchases. I held the Fun Noodle out the window and we were halfway home before Bella asked about it.

"What are you doing with that thing Emmett?" she asked.

"Preparing," I answered cryptically.

She glanced over me for a second before returning her attention to the wet road, "preparing for what?" she asked hesitantly.

I grinned and said in a most serious voice, "to do something to you that no other man or vampire has ever done to you Bella Swan."

I heard her heart rate increase and it was all I could do not to bust out laughing right then. I watched her from the corner of my eye and saw her chewing on her lip trying to figure out what I meant.

"Um uh Emmett," she started uncertainly, "what are you going to do?"

"Do you _really_ wanna know?" I asked, and then before she could answer I yanked the noodle into the truck cab and started repeatedly whacking her with it. "Have you ever been beaten with a wet noodle before Bells?" I laughed as I kept thrusting the piece of foam at her randomly.

She caught me off guard and grabbed the Fun Noodle out of my hands and chucked it straight out the window. She glanced over at me trying to look angry and failing miserably at it.

"Ass," she said simply.

"That's ok," I replied with a shit-eating grin on my face, "I have a whole case in the back."

She rolled her eyes at me and turned her attention back to her driving. The remainder of the trip home was quiet and uneventful.

We got back to the house and Rose was already there. "Where've you been?" she asked as I got out of the truck.

"We went to Wal-Mart," I told her honestly.

"What in the hell were you doing at Wal-Mart?"

I grinned, she wasn't mad at me anymore. "I beat Bella with a wet noodle," I told her straight-faced.

Rosie looked puzzled, she turned her gaze to Bella who just rolled her eyes and nodded her head before heading inside to see if Edward and the others were home yet.

Rosalie burst out laughing.

"Hey Rosie," I said wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her close as we walked toward the house.

"Yes Emmers?" she asked.

"Can we go back to Wal-Mart tomorrow? I looked all over hell for that smiley face guy that's on TV and he wasn't there; I think he was off today."

*xXX THE END XXx*


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